My very first blog...

Well, here I am...

I am starting this Blog in attempt to help my with my feelings. You see, I have issues in expressing how I feel, what I think and the things that I really want to say but don't in the attempt to always avoid confrontation...doing this hasn't helped me...it has thrown me into some really difficult situations where it has literally felt as though life is not worth the pain being felt inside...as though your heart and guts are being ripped out and replaced again...and again...and again... and now I stand here and feel somewhat isolated, alone and somewhat down. But looking at my life I really must admit (and I know this) that I have nothing to worry about! I have a fantastic and supportive family, friends (well I think I have close friends I can rely on...this is another story), a home to come back to each day, I am not without anything and life seems to be rolling along quite ok to be honest (in comparison to really everyone I know to be honest).

2009...where it all began...

Thinking about it really I have to pin point this massive down turn in my life when my Pop passed away, VERY suddenly back in 2009. From this point nothing has really gone to plan and the pain in my heart and gut intensifies and I am honestly over it and being scared. After his death I finally found full time employment early on in 2010, my first full time job after graduating from a science degree from uni, which I started straight after school. It was far from the field I wanted to get into but back then my attitude was so positive that I believed this job would eventually get me where I so desired to be. going in keen and willing to learn, but still being quite nervous, timid and shy (as I am) I found this job, or maybe more so the manager, confronting and demeaning...

From day 1 there was this weird sense or vibe that this was not a welcoming or comfortable place to be. Sticking it out taking each day as it comes I believe that I showed enthusiasm and willingness to learn. This was a new adventure!!! Other staff members warned me of the Lab Manager and he was the reason everyone had left. Now this is the case in several positions I had held and let it go through to the keeper. But by the end of the first week I knew this was true and would be the case. The tears and fears built up...

For 6 months I stayed in this role. I honestly don't know how I lasted. Tears every day, and yes even weekends, flowed from my eyes. Sundays being the worst with the dreaded feeling of knowing I had to return to the workplace and confront the situation again. I was literally making myself physically, emotionally and mentally sick. I so wish that I had have seeked help so much earlier on in the case but alas it was just not meant to be. Adding to the fact that I find it hard to trust people, due to being hurt (not physically but emotionally) didn't help the cause...

You see through school life I didn't necessarily have "best" friends or close ones at that. I guess I sort of just mingled with all, especially in a considerably small primary school. Heading to high school and there being nearly 270 students in the one year, almost 150 short of the primary school, I felt that I would find some close friends. This didn't exactly go down to plan either, with bullying a factor however I was lucky in that it wasn't as bad as others copped...poor kids...ultimately I floated through many groups eventually finding a group only to lose my BF to a boy. SO I guess what I am trying to say is that school did help my social skills in obtaining a Job and for the workforce. I was hurt and too cautious...

So back to the Job story...after 6 very long and tormenting months and with encouragement from my parents, I resigned from my position. I hated the fact that this was to be done, but when I was even too scared to ring in sick, this isn't fair right? My resignation came just 2 weeks after the only other Lab assistant resigned also (and may I add for the exact same reasons...that has to say something right??? She last 12 months but was in desperate need of money...) Crying every day, every lunch ringing my mum and partner at the time just wasn't fair. And now looking back on it maybe this was part of the reason for our relationship breaking down...we are still friends...and this breakup hurt me too but ultimately it was also mutual...

The relief from resigning was welcoming and comforting in a way. I did not leave with no where to go, I returned to my old work place casually (luckily I was in such a financial position that I could do so) and I had enrolled to do post graduate study in Education, using my previous course to teach high school. Now I had always said that I could do teaching but in my heart I didn't think I would be resorting to teaching this early...and still now I question this move...But I don't think I have the strength to go back through I what I went through...I know in my head that it was just 1 work environment but the heart and soul is damaged...I feel the weakness and am so upset that I have given up on my aspirations and intentions that that I had. My desire was set so high and heart set on something that now I am so fearful of change and losing things...being unsuccessful and a failure...I am too worried about what everyone will think and really I should JUST worry about myself...

Tomorrow I will continue on...but now I must sleep...

(this has somewhat helped thus far!!!)