going on...

I read the post from yesterday and it brought a tear to my eye...I was in a dark place yesterday...

This post will be vague...there is just so much complication, but again this is just for me to get off my chest...

Anyway we got up to the point where I left my full time job. I picked up casual work at my old work place and I enjoyed this, nice people, close to home and flexible. It was where I had worked for 5 years. I also managed to find work else where and this place is just as amazing, I have made some absolutely amazing friends and it is consistent work not occasional. Perfect. I am still working here now and the work is never ending. Although it can be a place of frustration I do honestly love going to work.

Life was looking up at the end of 2010!!! I was back to my self...perky, happy and loving life!!!

I met some new friends at the end of 2010 and I was so happy with the way life was going!!!!

Then in 2011 not long before uni was to start it hit again...from nowhere and really for no reason at all but I guess the sudden impact of going back to uni, a new relationship and then the loss of some close friends took its toll and it was from one specific day that my life again felt as though it was in turmoil, when really it wasn't that bad at all...

7 months down the track to late July and early August I felt I had lost all. I had easily made it through uni and seeing a psychologist and counsellor was helping. Really they were just people to get things off my chest...I was so embarrassed to have to be seeing someone about my emotions but with no sleep and uncontrollable emotions I guess it just had to be. And I must honestly thank my dear friend Jen. Without her who knows if I would be here today as so many times in 2011 there were so many times when thoughts of leaving crossed my mind. One day this came apparent after a falling out and it was just lucky I didn't have more sleeping pills. I've never told anyone this before...I was and have been too scared...

Visiting my grandparents knowing that others were out with friends broke my heart...where were all my friends and how come these things were never done before when we were together...?

It hurt...hard...

Hints were apparent and I noticed but really was it my position to act...I didn't think so...hence why I didn't...

Going again towards the end of the year...my feelings truly came out and I know that what I feel for one person was true when they were nearly lost...It scared me but I only made it through because of another. I can't help but retrace the months of July-October and see my faults and downfalls...but I cant help but feel like that when I honestly was being made to feel insecure and questioning if it were really right...There was so much confusion and questioning, not wanting to pressure but wanting...hard to comprehend I know...

Still to this day I feel these ways and am still overly confused and concerned...People seem to do everything for everyone else but couldn't and can't seem to do it for me...I gave it all in every aspect...

2010 and 2011 were exactly the same...time frames and all...it was rough...

I still am so very cautious and weary...scared as so not lose...

I will continue tomorrow again...and hope that now this is out I can share so more inspiring and exciting times...